I've been fighting a lot lately with no one but me.  Inside I feel a battle rageing.  A battle that was at bay for a while, but never really got resolved.  I feel myself growing weak against who I like to refer to as my other self.

She beats me tirelessly and tries to convince me that I'm worthless and sad.  She is the one who has i out for me, but makes it as though the rest of the world is the curprit.  The taunting manipulator that makes me believe that everyone is only trying to make me feel better out of pity. When in reality I probably have some pretty seriously good friends that I right off too easily. 

A friend is here, a friend I didn't know I had, he scares me.  I identify too closely with him.  I think we can help each other a lot, but I don't know what to do.  I'm scared that helping him confront his demons is going to stir up the ones I've been keeping at bay in quite solitude for to long. 

and on a ligher note

I love my cat. she is my BEST friend

So, a lot has been going on in life, but some details as always can't be shared with the world. 

I visited Plymouth for the first time in a long time a few weeks back, one of my best friends in the world had his senior recital. I am so proud of him, but being back in Plymouth gave me the creeps.  Too much there I guess, and too little at the same time.  Realizing most everyone I know there will be gone in the next few weeks is creepy.  Once again a group of loved ones is going off to the real world, as I am still getting myself back on my feet.

Working full time as many will tell you can suck.  I have troule waking in the morning knowing all I have coming is a hard day at work, and more people coming in and quickly out of my life (customers) who have no appreciation for much of anything but themselves.

::sigh::

I'm being over dramatic though, things are going well.  I'm in an appartment I love with a friend I adore, and I have a steady job with health benefits.  I guess a girl can't ask for much more, except maybe a recording contract and a penthouse in the city

Winter

To feel the warmth of the sun on my face and to breathe a warm gentle breeze again would be divine.

It is cold and dark and I grow weary of the bitterness not only of winter but of my soul

I feel anger growing inside me of the past, of the self projected future.  I feel weak

I ache.

My mind in the morning my body at night as day to day life trudges on,

Not knowing what is coming, dreading what might not come.

I was told life had meaning, we all had a purpose

My purpose is vague and my meaning lost.

Where do I belong?

I don’t believe it is here in this seemingly endless snow fall of pain.

There has to be more for me.

Where do I go?

03-09-05

SJP

Take the Dead German Composer Test!

So... thanks Ryan for the quiz... it was fun.

I am convinced that I will never see/hear from humanity ever again unless it's some jerk who pissed about his stupid photo copy job... please!

THERE ARE SO MANY MORE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE PEOPLE!